Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I am spending my child support on dildos
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
