so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
