I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
