Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
