did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
