I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Actions speak louder than pants.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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