what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
