Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
