I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
