all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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