Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
