There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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