Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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