dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
