You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
