So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
