She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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