matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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