____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
