i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
