my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
