My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
