Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
