if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
