I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
