my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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