Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wish there were birth control emojis
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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