You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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