I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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