I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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