Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
