is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
