With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
