I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
