Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
