Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
