The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
