Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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