Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
