If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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