i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
