Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
