Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
