He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
