You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
