dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
