You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize