i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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