Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
