I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
