mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
