He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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