just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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