I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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