How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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