I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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