You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
