New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
