You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
