So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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