Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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